I’ve relived February 25th, every year, for the last thirteen. Today marks fourteen years since I looked down at my cell phone and saw a missed call from my Mom. Two sets of seven. God’s perfect number. Tomorrow, the 26th, just after midnight, my brother will have been gone long enough to mark that perfect number twice. For most of that time however, his absence has left me sitting in all of the imperfection.
I don’t mean to imply, had my brother not died, my world, my family’s world, would be perfect. But if I go back to that day, to my 18 year old, pre Jesus knowing and loving self. I’m pretty sure I thought God made a mistake. Surely, God, you didn’t mean for this to happen to our
family? We were perfect and everything was wonderful. Of course we weren’t and it wasn’t, but when someone dies, those rose-colored glasses glue themselves to your face and can be difficult to remove.
For years, I’ve spent this day measuring the weight of my sadness. Some years it’s been a lighter load to bear, and others I’ve all but buckled beneath the heaviness of it. For years, I’ve used my words to work through this; to walk through the grief of the loss while still embracing the gratitude I felt for being able to call James my brother and spend 17 years with him.
Looking back, I can see how my heart was always striving to catch up with my words… to truly feel what I was letting myself say.
I’ve read this verse in the Bible more times that I can count, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen [a]asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who [b]sleep in Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14). I’ve read it… I’ve understood it… I’ve even shared it… but I wasn’t living it. I held on, far too tightly, to my sorrow, even if I tried to hide it.
This year feels different. It is different and so I want to live it differently. I want to walk through the day with a new perspective. I can truly say, this is the first time I am able to do that with a heart the Lord, in His goodness, has filled with His indescribable peace.
So I made a list of what happened the day I found out my brother was going to die, but it’s different than any list I’ve made before. This isn’t me rewriting the past, but sharing how God has been able to reframe it in my heart.
February 25th, 2006:
- Because of technology, I was able to get the news quickly and could act immediately.
- At one of my darkest moments, I was surrounded by a group of supportive friends who did everything they could to make the terrible bearable.
- My extended family all pitched in, making arrangements to get me home quickly. Thank goodness for them.
- God made sure, the entire way, I was never alone.
- I made it back in time. I had several hours to sit at my brother’s side, hold his hand, and tell him that I loved him and how thankful I was he was my brother.
- James was surrounded by family and friends as he went home to Jesus. People he had touched with his life and who in turn, had filled his heart and days on earth with so much joy.
- We went home that night without my brother, but to a home my parents had worked our whole lives to saturate with the kind of memories, that in the darkest moments, still overflowed with warmth and love. A place, to this day, that is still filled to the brim with reminders of the years we were blessed to have my brother with us.
Only now, am I realizing my list is seven items long. Seven blessings. God’s perfect number. A list I will look to every year to come. Another small reminder that God’s plan is, so often, not our own. Long before December 30th, 1988, God knew the exact number of days my brother would live, breaths he would take, tears he would cry, and smiles he would share. I’ve long since stopped believing that God made a mistake, but only in this last year, have I felt what it’s truly like to let Him free me from the sorrow I was clinging to.
Just this last Sunday in church, my pastor brought up one of my favorite worship songs as of late. And I couldn’t help but smile at the timing, knowing the significance of the week being ushered in. You can listen to it
here, but I also wanted to share some of the lyrics below:
“I love You, Lord
For Your mercy never failed me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
And in darkest night You are close like no other
I've known You as a Father
I've known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God…”
(The Goodness of God - Bethel Music)
This song is just a fraction of all that God used to help heal me this last year. Before, I wouldn’t have admitted it, but I know I would have heard this song and thought “except for when James died.”
Because that’s what we do. We think, God is good, except for this_______ fill in the blank. But the truth is, there needs to be a period there, not a comma. God is good. Period. God is faithful. Period. His mercy has never failed and it won’t ever fail. In a world so overridden with sin and despair… He is our hope. He is our answer.
I still miss my brother. I always will. But missing him no longer makes me sad. It makes me hopeful and excited for my first moments into Heaven. And my heart is no longer trying to keep up with those words. It's running right along side them, meaning every single one.
We are here, on this earth, for but a moment and then we’ll enter eternity. I entrusted my life to Jesus, over ten years ago, so I wasn't concerned where I would go when I died. However, in spending so long fighting Him by not letting Him heal my heart, I know I missed out on some of the fullness of the life He’d intended for me.
Don’t make the same mistake I did, friends. God doesn’t just want to save us, He so desperately wants a relationship with each of us and to heal our hearts. He wants us to "live in His goodness." But, know, He won’t ever force you to make that decision.
If you want to talk about this more, I’m here. In the meantime, know I’ll be praying, and trusting that God knows who my prayers are for.
Xo,
Lauren